Chapter 4: Prayers ARE Answered..

Today I had a life altering experience.

I used to pray everyday on my way to work. I used to thank my Heavenly Father for the blessings and opportunites I had. I had gotten out of the habit of my daily morning prayer for the last couple months. This morning on my way to work I cried all the way there. I finally said a prayer and just asked if I could just make it through this day, I asked for strength to get me through the saddness I have been feeling.

About half way through my day I recieved a text that completely broke me to pieces. I asked to step out because I knew I would not be able to hold myself together.

As I walked through the doors out of my office I burst into tears. As I walked down the hallway towards the doors I heard a soft voice say.. "Excuse me.." I turned to see a fireman. I have seen him around the office before but we have never exchanged anything but a hello and goodbye.

He invited me into his office and sat me down. The first thing he told me was that he says a prayer everyday. He asks God how he can help or have the opportunity to help some one who needs it. He sat and just talked to me. He said things to me and knew things about me that no one really knows unless you know me really well personally.

So there I was. Sitting in a complete strangers company crying my eyes out as he said things that I have so badly wanted answers to. Nothing he can do can take the sting of hurt away from the saddness I have feeling BUT I can tell you this....

No matter how much you think you dont deserve it, No matter how much you think you cant ask for it, and No matter how much you think nothing will happen.. PRAY

God works in his own way and on his time line.

I can tell you why that fireman felt compelled to stop an awkward 20 year old dispatcher whos problems arent any greater than anyone elses, I can tell you why he spent time with a total stranger who he doesnt know at all to show them love an compassion. God sent him into my life to help me make it through this day.

God has angels walking the earth today. He helps us through others and he has not forgotten us. I know God loves me so much that he sent Boyd into my life at the very moment I needed it the most. Little did he know that he was an answer to my prayers.

Chapter 3: Taking My Own Advise

So it was interesting.. I came accross my very on facebook today and had forgotten what I have had in my "Information Tab" I slowly scrolled down to "My quotes" "My Interests" & "About Me"

WOW..

Can I just say that I preached and talked the talk & never took my OWN advise to walk the walk.. my goodness look at all the things I already knew & never even acted upon. Its alot easier to tell everyone else what to do and its alot easier to not take your own advise.

I thought I would attach what I have sitting there gathering dust

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god gave me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, & the wisdom to know the difference ♥

at this point the only thing i can say about life and love is that god gives us trials for reasons . and i want to be bitter but the only way to be happy is to accept that you have to go through upsets and heartbreak for a reason . im getting excited to get to know my self better and that way i can share it with some one. im awaiting the day when prince charming sweeps me off my feet .

"Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me
And his is not to say
There never comes a day
I take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs
That led me to a love so strong"
--john mayer

i hope and pray one day that all of those who have some one who loves them wont let that person go or push them away . love only comes seldom to deserving people . you date and attract the same person you are . be firm and dont be empty hoping some one can fill that space . because when they are gone .. you have nothing .

today i had a new friend tell me ..

"not just any man can replace no man"

dont settle for less . im going to find a new love or an old love that has matured in due time . i just want to know who at this point . because i know who i want .. they just dont know that they want me .

and thats the way the cookie crumbles

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I guess its about time to inhale all that advise I have so freely shared. I know I have to be happy by my self in order to be happy with some one else.

I have learned some hard lessons here, probably some I could have avoided if I would have put some actions to my words.

BUT

There is no day like today.

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define happiness: state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

Chapter 2: Starting with me..

Michael Jackson is probably one of the most amazing people the world has seen in its history. Not only is he the worlds greatest entertainer, no on has ever beat record sells for the album Thriller.

Those who were closest to Michael can only tell you positive things about him and talk about his legacy not only being his talents but his positivity and his humility.

Because of how influential this man was his legacy will live on forever beyond his generation.

I think this is a perfect way to start out fresh.. I know this song was not written for me personally but it applies to my life in every way right now. I have finally figured out that if I want to make the world a better place and I want to be more positive and fix the things I have broken, I have to start with me. I know that if I can put an action to my words they will mean more. Sorry is just a word until you put an action behind it.

 

Read these lyrics I didnt know myself that this song had so much meaning.

"Man In The Mirror"

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
Change!

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!

I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.

This is a powerful song with a powerful message. I love it. I am going to stand up and make a change. I am going to every day make it a point to be more positive and to do a selfless act EVERYDAY. I am going to lose my self in the best way possible, and that would be losing myself in the service of others.

The INTRODUCTION to this blog - Chapter 1: Destroying the Beast..

I have started this blog as I have closed a chapter in personal my life
(personal meaning just the 'life of natalie' not including anyone else)

I have thought of what to title chapter & I think this is a good one.

chapter1:
Destroying the Beast

yikess..

Many people may or may not know that I started to do what some call "Modeling"

I became self absorbed & completely transformed into a monster that I now can acknowledge as 

"Natalia Ann"

 define natalia ann: self centered, high strung, self destructing, big mouthed, judgmental, jealous, paranoid, people pleasing, crazy & total bitch among other negative things.

What in the world happened to me? 

I can tell you for the first time in my life i felt like I was on top of the world & I did anything to stay there no matter how many people I threw under the bus & it didnt matter how many people were hurt by my actions.

 For the first time EVER I am going to say that I was wrong I thought I had it all figured out. I dont know everything and ya know? I dont have all the answers. 

& guess what else..

 IM NOT PERFECT

I lost everything in this world that had any meaning to me. I lost the most important person who is the center of my universe & the only person who has always loved me for me & all of my imperfections. I lost friends & I created enemies. The person I never wanted to become.. well I became just that. I was the worst friend and the best enemy.

So with this little intro, I hope anyone who has any interest at all in reading this understands that this blog is not meant to talk about everything that is negative. In fact its just the opposite.

This is a place that I can share everything positive that effects my life. This is a place that I can escape & share things that will keep me going everyday.

I have made daily goals and future goals to have a more positive outlook.

I am no longer lost.